I'm just a poor boy whose story's seldom told.

Okay, so I haven't blogged in a while. I've been busy, I think. Anyways, I don't remember too much from the last time I've blogged. I think it was just an uneventful weekend, but I'll try to recall what I did do. No, I was not in any altered state of consciousness of any sort this weekend; I'm just having one of my usual memory lapses.

Thursday...
I forgot to mention in my last blog is that when we met on Tiberina Island we got our tests back in art history. Our professor starts ranting about how bad they were and blah blah blah...EXCEPT for the Davis test. Then she starts going on about how great my test was and how I was the only one to get an A. I wanted to crawl in a hole and die. Everyone was just looking at me, and I had a look on my face like "I didn't mean to, I swear" and, as aforementioned, "I want to crawl in a hole and die". She continues to contrast my paper with everyone else's, then we proceeded to do all our walking around. Ick. What a way to start off the day! Although, I was pretty proud of myself. I just hope I can do the same on my final tomorrow at 18:00. We also handed in our seven page papers.

Friday....
I can't remember anything, so moving on to Saturday.

Saturday....
I got up and came to the school to do the e-mail thing and see what everyone was doing that night. (Yes, the school was open on a weekend for a change.) I had totally forgotten that Simon and Garfunkel were giving a FREE concert in front of the Colosseum that night. I certainly was not going to pass up that opportunity. Well, some friends and I met and headed over about three hours before the concert starts. It was PACKED! I was really surprised because Romans show up to EVERYTHING late. I guess everyone who was there at that point were tourists. Well, the entire road of Via di Fora Imperiale (which runs straight from the Colosseum by the Roman and Imperial Fora into Piazza Venezia in front of the gigantic monument built by Mussolini to Vittorio Emanuele II) was blocked off. We end up standing about halfway down by the Basilica of Maxentius, which I'm not even going to elaborate on because I know waaaay too much about it at this point due to my art history class. All along the road they have large screens set up on metal scaffolding so everyone can see the performance. Well, we just chill out in the massive crowd until the show starts. Ooooooh, it was soooooo awesome. The came out on stage and spoke a little bit in Italian (which I'm sure they just memorized...their accents were SO bad). They played about three or four songs, then they start talking again (in English this time). This time they were talking about how they got started and their influences, including the Everly Brothers. Well, all of a sudden, THE Everly Brothers came on stage and play some of their famous songs with S&G. I was totally floored. I was just babbling. It was unbelievable. They played some of their songs, then the EBs went off stage. S&G continued their performance of some of their most famous songs like "Mrs. Robinson" and "Bridge over Troubled Water" and my personal favorite, "Scarborough Fair". And on top of all of this, the backdrop was absolutely perfect. The stage was set up RIGHT in front of the Colosseum (the orginal travertine part, not the brick reconstruction) with lights illuminating it different colors at different points in the act AND a very large moon low and just to the right over the Colosseum. It was absolutely surreal. So, knowing how big a fan Sandra is of S&G, I called her not long after the concert started just to tell her what I was doing. I also called her afterward to tell her how it went. Obviously, she hated me. But I digress. I was really disappointed that S&G didn't play "The Boxer" when they went off stage. Of course the crowd is going wild at the end (so am I), but I was still disappointed. Duh! I sooo should have known there was going to be an encore. They came back, played a little more, then ended with "The Boxer". After that, I was perfectly happy. The crowd is absolutely maddening...everyone screaming and clapping -- what a sight! It was also heck to get out of, but certainly more than worth the effort. Reports said that more than 600,000 people were there. That's over half a million people. That's a lot of people. I headed back and am not sure what I did after that. I probably just hung out a while in the apartment then went to bed.

Sunday....
I got up a little early to go to the big market that they have at Porta Portese (not too terribly far from my apartment) only on Sundays in order to obtain souvenirs. It was pretty large, though not as big as the Jockey Lot. However, I would classify both as cultural experiences. I walk around, buy some stuff, and return home. Not much to say. It's just a large flea market set up on the streets. I don't think anything eventful happened after this.

Monday....
I had photography class. It wasn't one of the more spectacular ones, so I'll spare you the details. We did go to the Theater of Marcellus, some Santa Maria church (I get them confused because there are so many here), and the Jewish Ghetto. After that, I think I went to pick up my enlargements for my portfolio that I had to present on Wednesday. Again, nothing terribly spectacular after that.

Tuesday....
I went to art history. We met at Piazza del Popolo and walked down Via del Corso to see some of the few remaining remnants of the Field of Mars. Then we went to the Pantheon. After class, I went to pick some more photos up over by the Vatican. I came back to do the e-mail thing. A little later on, a few friends and I went out for some drinks. Well, while we were out, I actually ended up meeting Mr. Cellophane from Chicago himself. Okay, sort of. He wasn't John Reilly, but he did play Amos Hart in the Italian musical. We talk for a while, then I ended up going home pretty late at 2:00 (well, late for a school night with class at 9:30 the next day). I end up getting home at about 3:00 because I was on a completely different side of Rome than I've been before. It was kind of nice seeing a different area of the city and being out of my element again.

Wednesday....
I showed my portfolio. Whoopdee doo. I came back, took a siesta, and hung out with Matt a while. We went and got some Arab food again. It was molto bene. We came back, hung out some more, then went to sleep.

Thursday, today....
So far, I had the review session for my final tomorrow. We also got back our papers that we turned in last week. I got an A. She, again, went off on how good my paper was, but at least this time I had one other person with me. Whew! Overall she was pleased with the papers, so no one was really getting fussed at. Whew again! Now I'm here blogging. I'm going to go downtown after this and hopefully finish my souvenir shopping, then come back and study for my final tomorrow at 6:00 PM.

See everyone in a little over a week -- YAY!!

Naked at the Vatican

Aaaaaaaaand we're back!  I can't remember everything that has happened in the past few days, but they've been pretty eventful.

Soooo, after I finished blogging on Tuesday, I went to the library here to get some information for my seven page paper due on Thursday.  Well, really it had to be finished by 6:00 on Wednesday because that would be the last chance I had to print it out before it would have to be turned in at 9:00 AM the next morning.  I go home and start to get some information organized with page numbers and stuff written down.  I planned on pulling an all-nighter and going to sleep sometime after I finished typing the paper since I wouldn't have class on Wednesday (to be explained in the Wednesday section).  Well, I get almost all of my information organized by about midnight but yet to write a single word, so I decide it's time for a short break.  I go and chill with Matt, Kristen, Micara, and Shawn (the last three being UW girls).  Well, they are on the list at a club (yes, a REAL club, not the same old bars that we usually go to -- with a VIP list and everything), and they try to persuade me to come.  I, being the boo-tay shakin' slacker that I am, decide to go.  We take a taxi to Piazza del Popolo, then walk to the Tiber river where the club was supposed to be.  We go down some of the sketchiest steps I've ever seen to go down to the water level.  We walk a little ways and finally see it -- it's a frickin' river boat!  How rockin' is that?  So we, being on the VIP list, just walk right by everyone in line, and the bouncer lets us on the boat.  The music they were playing when we got there was great (oh, it's a hip-hop club, by the way).  We go get a drink, scope the place out, find a bathroom for the ladies, then get a table.  Not long after that, I'm flat on my back on the dance floor shakin' what my mama gave me.  Yet again, all of the Italian men are looking at me like I'm the devil.  One guy who was kind of dorky looking with glasses was actually looking at me and taking notes.  I was highly amused.  I pull a few of my usual moves including the one where I do a jump while turning 180 degrees around.  Well, three girls were walking past at the time (all of this according to Matt who I believe was having a better time watching me than I was having shakin' it), and they all look at each other like "oh my god, did you just see that?" while pointing and smiling and stuff.  I was sorry that by the time Matt told me about it that they had already gone.  Damn.  Well, we all shake it for a while until the music got really lame.  I'm talking about Eurofake-Rasta music here, not even Bob Marley, so at about 4:00 we walk out of there.  Well, this club is WAY away from our apartment.  It's past the Vatican and Castel Sant'Angelo.  Since there are no taxis near by or buses or other forms of transportation running this time of night, we have to hike it back.  Well, somehow the conversation got on how I want to go skinny dipping in a fountain here and Matt wants to go in his Eurotrunk man speedo things he got here.  All of a sudden I made my oh-face.  No, not the good one -- the one where I inhale a lot of air and involuntarily start flailing, the one where everyone is like "oh no" and proceeds to run far, far away.  The idea comes to mind that instead of doing it in Trevi Fountain, which until this time I had considered it the ultimate fountain in Rome, to do it in the fountain in St. Peter's Square at the Vatican.  How many people can say they've been skinny dipping at the Vatican...really?  It takes almost no convincing to get Matt and Micara in on the plan.  Kristen abstains, and Shawn agrees to hold the camera.  See, I figured that if I did it, one of two things would happen.

a.)  I would go straight to Hell, but since I went skinny dipping in the VATICAN it would be worth it.
OR...
b.)  The water in the fountain would work like holy water, so by skinny dipping in it I would have the holiest penis on earth, and everyone would want to touch it.

We make our way to St. Peter's and scope out the place.  There entire square is blocked off, but there are only two sets of guards.  We're all like "hell frickin' yeah!!!!!"  We pick the spot outside of Bernini's colonnade from where we're going to run.  We take off our shoes, climb over the barricade, and hide behind one of the columns.  We run straight to the closest fountain.  On the way I hear one of the guards way far away say something.  It wasn't like a screaming, but more of a friendly something.  Anyways, that doesn't stop me.  We keep on truckin' hit.  We are about to swan dive into the fountain when all of a sudden we notice that there is no water whatsoever in the fountain.  They drain the fountains at night!!!  We actually made it to the fountain, touched it, but no water.  Our hearts sank.  I know mine was lower than it has ever been -- I was sooooooo disappointed.  Never have I ever been as disappointed as I was then.  We walk back to our apartments with our heads sagging.  Though I guess it was a plus considering we didn't get shot or anything.  Well, even that way we probably would have made CNN or something.  Though watching the sky change colors as we walked back was really pretty.  Once we say our goodnights at a little past 6:00 am (I guess this would qualify more for Wednesday), I decide that I should probably work on my paper some since it has to be finished and printed out in 12 hours.  Well, after the quick thought of working on my paper, I decide that I have time for 4 hours of sleep, so I set my alarm for 10:30.

Wednesday....
Okay, the reason I don't have photography class at 9:30 AM is because he moved it to 8:30 PM for night shooting.  We're not required to attend this because of class or other conflicts.  I would not be able to attend because I would be seeing Il Trovatore by Giuseppe Verdi being performed at the Baths of Caracalla at 9:00.  Opera or class?  Which one would you pick?  Well, being as that I love opera, I picked it.  So, I wake up at 10:30, throw on some really bad clothes and a hat (I may have even been pretty smelly at this point, though I'm not sure).  I make it to the computer lab at 11:00 and begin working on my paper.  I, obviously, have my distractions as the computer is hooked up to the internet and probably only work half of the time I'm there.  I print out my finished paper at 5:56 -- BOO-YAH!  I rush back to the apartment all the while stripping off my clothes.  As soon as I'm naked (naked naked naked!), I jump in the shower really quickly, put on my white suit with my Dolce shirt, do the necessary primping, and head out.  On my way there (I walk everywhere) I got a LOT of head turns and honks from cars.  The honks that were not directed at me were directed at the two or three cars to tell them to put their eyes on the road and not me.  Oh, it was awesome!  Getting stares and smiles from the well-dressed Italians because of what one is wearing -- damn right!  I get to the baths and make it to my seat which is in the section with some of the other JCU students.  I end up being the only guy from JCU there.  Darn the luck!  :-P  Well, this being an open-air event and the setting not even being at an amphitheater, I thought the sound was going to be mediocre at best.  Boy was I wrong.  The acoustics were spectacular.  I couldn't believe how well the sound carried.  It was better than many of the concert halls in which I've been.  Plus, all of the off-stage singing sounded soooo much better than in a theater.  It was really believable.  The sets used also complemented and used a lot of the same design techniques as the giganto-enormous Baths of Caracalla behind it (it was set up in what was formerly the garden area of the baths).  With the lighting on stage coordinated with the lighting on the building coupled with the great Verdi music and an especially awesome solo from the mezzo playing the gypsy-witch at the end of the second act all while a gentle breeze pervaded over the crowd on a cool summer's eve, I kid you not...I had an orgasm.  Sans semen, of course.  Most guys don't understand that an orgasm for a man and cumming are totally different things.  They don't know what they're missing.  Oh gawd, is it hot in here?  Anyways, where was I?  Oh, so the opera finishes.  I totally loved it.  It has one of the best and most intricate plots I've seen in an opera.  Though I prefer Pucini, Verdi's work is great also.  I walk back, still getting looks in my ultra-hot threads.  I get back to the apartment at about 1:00 AM and hit they hay immediately in order to get up at 6:00 the next day for class.

Thursday....
So far, I got up, got ready, and went to class.  We met on Tiberina Island, then walked to the Baths of Caracalla while seeing the Theater of Marcellus, Temple of Apollo, Temple of Portuna, Temple of Hercules, and the Circus Maximus on the way.  The night before I took in the atmosphere of the baths.  Today I got to learn about it.  I come back, and for the first time since I've been here, I have McDonalds.  It was soooo good and greasy...mmmmmm.  They also actually had ice in the drinks.  Although I was a bit disappointed because of the burger, I swear it was like two-thirds the size of one in the US.  And ketchup (called French fries sauce here) costs ten cents extra.  Then I came here and blogged.

The End...or is it?  *dum dum DAAAAAAAAAAA*

Calla Lilies, Raunchy Sex, and Thnigs

In keeping with tradition, I'll start where I left off. I mean if I didn't , that'd be kind of stupid because I'd be leaving out somethings or just be repeating others which is totally unnecessary UNLESS, of course, I didn't write about things in chronological order like Memento or something, but that just gets confusing, and most people consider me confusing enough because my mind is, well, my mind, and people sometimes can't see into the Ke-Ke, but if they could it might be kind of gross because you'd just get intestines and a spleen and stuff, but you might not find it all that gross if you were Sarah, who wants to be a surgeon. Hmmm, that was a pretty long sentence.

Thursday night...
I worked on my photography paper that night so I could get up kind of early on Friday and type it. I got a page and then did an outline for the rest of it. It only had to be two or three pages, so it was nothing. The girls from across the hall from Washington state came over as well as some other friends. We hung out a while, had a few drinks, and stuff of the like.

Friday...
I get up early (10:30...hey, that's good for me, especially on a day I don't have class) to come to the university to type up my paper. I type it up and print out some pictures. I did it on Robert Mapplethorpe. If you don't know who he is, check him out; he's one awesome photographer. And it was because of his style and subjects that I entitled my paper Calla Lilies, Raunchy Sex, and Things. Well, after that I do the whole blog and e-mail thing. I read some posts, and thanks to one of Sandra's replies I have Madonna songs in my head the rest of the day. After that, I didn't do much. I just walked around Trastevere (the area in which I live) and browsed through some of the shops, all the while singing such classics as "Like a Virgin", "Like a Prayer", "Vogue", "Frozen", and "Don't Cry for Me, Argentina". Wow, I never realized how many similes Madonna used in her music before I actually wrote out the titles. Well, I finally get back to my apartment at 21:00. The UW girls across the hall, my roommates, some other friends, and I all go out to a really cool bar. It was underground and kind of like a cave. We get a bottle of champagne, and it was pretty darn good. After that we end up at one of the two places we always end up at, so the UW girls and I left. We got some pizza then went home. Dan and Matt, the roommies, get home a little while later. I think it's about 2:00 or 3:00 at this point (I should probably include this with the Saturday post, but it's part of the Saturday happenings). We're standing around the kitchen and out of nowhere Matt asks me to sing. I'm totally bewildered. Then he proceeds to go on about how he and Dan sing around the apartment and that he has never heard me. I was relieved and less freaked out at this point. I decline the offer because I really don't like singing for people. He insists, so I'm like "Okay, fine." I open my mouth and sing the first line of "Amsterdam" from Jacques Brel Is Alive and Well and Living in Paris. Dan and Matt's faces just get this really weird expression. I stop and say, "What? Am I flat or something?" Apparently, when he said sing, he was thinking something along the lines of being stupid by singing a Britney Spears song or something. They didn't expect the musical theater or classical-type stuff. I go on and finish the song. They were impressed, I was a little embarrassed, and we called it a night.

S-S-S-Saturday ni-iiiiight! And the day, too.
I get up early (this time at 9:30) to go shopping with the UW girls. They and I both need to get souvenirs. We walk around the Colosseum and Roman forum for a while looking at all the vendors. We don't really see anything, so then we walk down Via del Corso, the main shopping strip, though it's mostly clothes. Very quickly we got off the souvenirs thing and onto the "hey, we need clothes for ourselves" thing. We walk and walk, and since I've been shopping the past two weekends, I don't really see much that I want that I haven't bought already. We then proceed down Via Condotti to Piazza di Spagna, the fashionable district. We hit up all the high end stores like Armani, Versaci, Dolce & Gabbana, Prada, Chanel, Louis Vuitton, Valentino, Trussardi, and others. It was niiiiiiiiiiiice. It was like I was in heaven, but I was underdressed and really poor. I really had to control myself. I could have easily dropped several Gs in there, though I figured my life that would have probably been taken away by an angry green giant mother was more important than some really great clothes, but just barely. The only thing I did buy on Saturday was a shirt from Dolce. It's really really cool, and it just screamed "BUY ME, KYLE! BUY ME!" It's a white-based shirt, with retro-60s style flowers in bright orange and pink. I was also going to get a pair of pants there, but the smallest size they had was a 28, and they were too large and long. If they would have been the right length, I would have bought them. But to be too large in the waist and in the length, no. But I'm really excited about my new shirt. I think it'll look sooooooooo frickin' awesome with my new white suit. YAY! I love clothes. I'll probably write one (or two or five or seventy-two) blogs just about clothes when I get back. After that, I came back and took a siesta. The girls, Dan, and I then got a little spiffied up. I wore my new skunk pants (you'll see what I mean when you see them) and my white button-down shirt with the embroidered left side. We went to Campo de'Fiori for a few drinks. Kristen (one of the UW girls) and I went Magnolia, one of the bars, while everyone else just chilled at the central obelisk. The place was really swank. It kind of reminded me of my room, actually. It was all blue with a lot of glass and metal, and with most of the glass, there was light shining being diffracted through it. I had a mudslide and she had a white russian. The place was really cool, but their drinks were WAY too strong. Normally one can hardly taste the alcohol in either of those drinks if at all, but not here. But mine had six coffee beans on top, so it all balanced out. After I ate three, I decided to name the remaining three. I can't remember the first two, but I saved Aloicious for last. We have some K-name bonding time, then head back to the obelisk. We all then proceed to a club right off of Piazza Navona. I FINALLY get to get my dance on -- YAAAAAAY!!! New clothes AND bootay-shaking in one day. I almost had a heart-attack. Well, I don't know if anyone knows this, but Europeans (Italians, especially) CAN'T DANCE! The girls start to dance a bit, and some Italian guys kind of push their way in. Then I start to bust a move. They all back up, give me a look with utter contempt and hatred, then concede to me -- wah-frickin'-hoo! I think they were jealous because my moves took away their game. Hehehehehe, at least I have one thing on Italian men. I get my groove on for a couple of hours, then Kristen, Dan, and I leave at about 3:00. Well, we get to the Ponte Sisto and Dan starts going on about how I could sing, etc., etc. Then he (in chime with Kristen who wants to hear me now) tries to pursuade me to sing on the Ponte Sisto overlooking the Tiber. I told them I would think about it. There were too many people, so I didn't, but I told Kristen I'd sing for her once we got back to the apartments. I did as I said I would *ugh*, then I took a shower with my sweaty self and went to bed.

Domingi...
For the first time since I've been here, I slept past 11:15 -- until 3:00! Glad to know my old schedule is still in me. It rained for the first time since I've been here. It was kind of refreshing. There wasn't much to do and most of the shops closed, but the rain and the coolness were nice. I went to grab a bite to eat with Matt at Kebab House. They have REALLY good Middle Eastern food. I got the couscous and the falafel. Mmmmmmmmmmmm! It was a really good change from carbs in tomato sauce. Other than that, we chilled around the apartment and cleaned a bit. I did a load of laundry then went to bed.

Today, lunedi...
I got up and got ready, then went to class. This is the second time my photography class has actually met in a classroom. I gave my presentation on Robert Mapplethorpe and passed around some of his pictures. I made sure to give a warning: "If you are offended by ANYTHING sexually explicit, do not look at the last two pages." Well, of course I knew that everyone would have to look, that's why I did it. It was really really funny to see the expressions on everyone's faces. Ahhh, glad to know I still haven't lost my ability to make people's heads turn and faces wince. On the way back Cassie (one of the girls in the class)and I start singing songs from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory -- it was great!

That's all I have to report so far. Until next time...

Champagne fishes and caviar screams!

I, The Hobbit of Destruction

I haven't really been online the past few days because of errands, studying, papers, and things of the like. I guess the best place to start is where I left off last time.

Tuesday after I logged off, I went back to the apartment to discover that several people were going to a boxing match held in one of the piazzas there. I was like "Dude! Totally awesome!" as those are the only words in my vocabulary. A local fight in Rome, how great is that? When we get there, there is NO ONE around and we get right at the very front (no seats -- seats are for wusses). We grab a few beers at a bar close by then wait for the fights to start. The fights are really interesting, and none turned out like I had expected. The guys who, before the fight, looked to be the worse fighter usually won. There was one match-up in particular where me and a friend, Taylor, bet a couple of drinks on it. It was really close from the beginning, but it seemed my guy came out on top at the end. Taylor practically conceded when the referee raised the other boxer's hand. Everyone's mouths dropped. I couldn't believe it. I still owe him those two drinks. In one of the next fights, one of the boxers was late. This was a lower weight-class, so I was saying jokingly that if he didn't come, I should jump in the ring. My roommate Matt then said, "In this corner...Kyle, The Hobbit of Destruction!" I decided I liked the name and am keeping it. We headed back to my place, kicked back a few, then everyone else headed to The Scene, one of the less-spectacular bars here. It's just a regular bar, and we've been there soooo many times. I decided to clean up the apartment a little, study a bit, then head to bed. Though it was really nice because my class the next day was post-poned until 16:00 when it is usually 09:30. Yes, they used military time over here. Why shouldn't they? It makes so much more sense than saying AM or PM.

The NEXT day...
I slept well for three hours (I went to bed at 03:00). I guess I started tossing and tumbling at 06:00 since that's about when I normally get up. Oh well, I still got some sleep until I got up at 11:00. I made it to the place where my photography class was meeting, then we walked over to a photography exhibit which was up on the Quirinal hill (one of the seven hills on which Rome was founded -- I know a little too much about it because of my art history class). We looked at pretty pictures for a while, then we went up to a terrace on the roof of the building where we watched the changing of the guards at one of the governmental buildings across the road at 18:00. It was really cool, not like the boring changing of the guards in DC or in London. They had a military marching band (Christina, you'd have loved it *cough cough band nerd cough*) coming up the street followed by a brigade. Music was playing the whole time. It was more like a ballet. They got in place, then a second brigade of a different branch of the military came out of the building and took its place on the opposite side of the marching band. All the while there were three guards at the gate from the branch of the military that were coming out of the building. A representative from the branch that marched up the street as well as three soldiers marched around in formation for a while then they replaced the other guards at the gate. The same representative and the original three guards came back where the disposed guards joined their brigade. The brigade that had marched up the street then marched in formation inside. The band then marched back down the street followed by the deposed branch. It was highly much coolness. I then went to pick up my suit (which is soooooo HOT!!!!) near Piazza del Popolo. I came back to the apartment, tried on my white suit with the black shirt that I had on underneath it, strutted around like a model for a while, and looked in the mirror a lot. Man, I was sexy. I know you must be thinking, "How much sexier can The Hobbit of Destruction get?" Yes, I, too, I have contemplated this. It is very hard to imagine, but I do believe for the time I had the suit on, I, the epitome of sexy, became even sexier. I then put my regular clothes back on, pretended to study for five minutes, then went to bed.

So far today...
I got up and went to class. This was the first time I have actually been to a classroom for a class since I've been here. We had our mid-term today. I think I did rather well for not studying all that much (or at all). I guess I'll find out later. Our teacher, being coolio as she is, decided that after the exam she would take us to the Vatican just for fun. It's not "ancient" as the title of our course "Ancient Rome and Its Monuments" implies, but she's a certified tour-guide and took us. After that, I came back here and am currently blogging.

I'm sure there will be interesting stories to come later, hopefully lots of things minus little crack addicts this weekend. I doubt anything interesting will happen in the next couple of days because I have to finish my photography paper/presentation by Friday.

Ciao!

Oh yeah...

I almost forgot. I finished The Mayor of Casterbridge sometime last week. Definitely my second favorite Thomas Hardy book. The only reason it didn't get top honors was because of the character development. If it would have had just a little more personal insight to each of the characters, it might have grabbed top honors, but it'll be hard to displace Tess of the D'Urbervilles. Two thumbs way up!

That thong, th-thong, thong, thong

It's been a while since my last post. What's been going on? Not much. I had a paper due last Thursday. This past weekend, well, not too much happened with the possible exception of Friady. Other than Friday, I just roamed the city, went shopping, and did typical Roman stuff like eat pizza and gelato and just hang out and do nothing. Okay, so back to Friday night. I had a bug in my pants to shake my boo-tay, so I wanted to find a good dance club or disco (hehe, disco *giggle*). I called up several different people, but everyone was busy catching up on work or had other plans. I would've called others, but a lot of people were traveling this weekend. Well, since I can't get anyone to go with me, I ever-so-smartly decide to go out by myself in the hopes that I'd meet people there. I meet people very easily (okay, so usually the meeting and a lap dance occur within an hour or so of each other), so I thought it was a pretty safe assumption. I look up several different clubs as options to which to go. I start heading to the first one. I was almost there when some dude comes up to me and starts offering me crack cocaine, heroin, weed, and who knows what else. I tell him no and start to walk away. He grabs me by the arm (I'm surprised I don't have a bruise now) and tries to drag me into this dark alley behind this dumpster thing. I'm guessing that's where the crack house is because he kept saying "casa". For a very brief yactosecond (I guess that's the engineer coming out in me -- 10^(-24) seconds if anyone is wondering) I considered it just because it would be a great story. Come on, being in an Italian crack house with probable Italian crack whores? HELLO-O? That would be an experience worth telling! Obviously, I didn't go. I'm trying to get away from this guy who happens to be about 5'1", and I swear I have more muscles than him, but he was a strong little crack addict, as most crack addicts are. But I could've taken him if need be. He's lucky I'm a very patient and non-violent guy (I guess that's the hippie in me). So I grab his hand a throw it off my arm and walk briskly away. He pursues -- a persistent little crack addict. I start walking faster and faster until I'm in an all out sprint. He's still following me. Then I come up on some po-pos. *SIGH OF RELIEF* He's still following me at a distance. I cut the corner really quickly, then break out running as fast as I can, cut a few more corners, backtrack a little, then finally lose him. If you're wondering why I didn't go to the police for help, think about it this way. I'm studying in Rome without a visa. A visa is not needed unless one is going to be in Italy for 90+ days and/or one is studying here. Also, the police here are not known for being the ripest apple in the tree. And again, I don't speak Italian, so some guy speaking a foreign language saying "crack cocaine" and "heroin" and the like would not look too good for me. After that, I decide to 86 the club and head straight home to bed, though not after passing near Gay Village and having a table full of drunken guys start shouting at me. At least that was a positive...it made me feel kind of special and sexy later, but only after I got over the whole creepiness that was the little crack addict.

Saturday, as I said, not much happened. I went shopping again to capitalize on what is quite likely the last weekend of the sales here. I bought a few things. I actually have to go back today to pick up my really super duper ultra cool pants and matching jacket suit thing (no, that's not me; that's how it was labeled :-P). They look sort of like my light blue button-down shirt that I wear with my pinstripe pants because it has the interior vertical stripe thing going on, except that they're white. The pants and arms of the jacket were a little long, so I got them to do alterations, that's why I have to go back today and pick them up.

Sunday, likewise, not much happened. No one was around for me to do anything with, so I just roamed the city trying to get lost, but I think I have my bearings a little too well now, so I was always able to find my way back to somewhere I knew.

Monday. I had photography yesterday. Nothing spectacular. We met in front of the monument to Vittorio Emanuele II then headed up to Campidolio and down to the Roman Forum. Oh let me tell you, I was soooo excited about the Roman Forum *rolls eyes*. I've seen WAY too much of that place since I've been here. I have a test on it Thursday for my art history class (which I'm going to frickin' ace because I'm the only one in the class that seems to know anything). While we were there, another guy and I,who have the art history class together, studied by going over the monuments and stuff. In actuality, it was more like me reviewing/teaching him. Oh well, I guess that means I know what I'm doing. Yay! After that, I proceeded down to the library where I rented a laptop and worked on my presentation and paper for photography. I has to be done Friday at 7:00 since the computer lab doesn't open until after class starts on Monday when the paper and the presentation are due. I got back to the room and put in a load of laundry. Then I went out, got a cappuccino and a cornetta (which is Italian for croissant). Also, I got this really good milkshake-type thing. It was cold and vanillla with cream whiskey. Soooo good! I came back to the apartment and took out my clothes from the washer and placed them around the room to dry.

Tuesday (today): I got up and went to my art history class. We reviewed for our mid-term on Thursday then got our papers back. I got an A -- woohoo! I miss actually getting As that in fact ARE As rather than the 70 that gets curved up to an A. I also miss being the only one in the class who seems to know anything. Oh well, I guess that's why I'm doing what I'm doing -- for a challenge. I'm sure I'll go and get my suit-ish thing today. I'll probably also get some gelato and something to eat. Though there have been many days since I've been here that I've totally forgot to eat. Oh well.

That's about all for now. Oh, and in case you're wondering what the title of this pertains to. I'll just leave you wondering, so :-P.

They think my tractor's sexy.

As a note for the future, I don't have access to the internet on the weekends, so that's why it's taken me a while to post.

I guess I should start from whence I left off. Thursday night was, well, interesting to say the least. Earlier, my roommates and I met the six girls across the hall in our apartment building. They happen to be studying here, too, but they're with University of Washington. Their college actually has a campus here. They also happen to be really easy on the eyes. They've been here for 3 weeks and haven't really partied, so we had to take them out with us. I got all spiffied up wearing my embroidered white button-down shirt, gray pants, and white CK trunks...grrrrrrrowl! The night started off with us going to the apartment of some other friends. We were all just chilling out, then we decided to play a drinking game: Circle of Death. Ahhh, a classic. I love that game, but I can never remember what the cards stand for, not that it matters as long as everyone ends up getting trashed. Isn't that the point of any drinking game? I can't remember exactly what I was drinking. Possibly some melon Bacardi, possibly some vodka, whatever just happened upon my cup, really. I won't go into too much detail, but let me just say that people were highly amused and surprised by me, especially when it came to "never have I ever" and "categories". On "never have I ever" I think I had to drink the most of everyone there. People were looking at me with shock, awe, disgust, hilarity, and general weirdness in their faces. Does this surprise anyone reading this? I don't know. Should it surprise anyone? NO! Well, "categories" turned out to be a fun one, too, especially when it came time for us to name sexual positions. I was actually very shocked when people had not heard of mine. They even made me show them how, so I did. I find this very funny since I was probably the one in the room with the least experience. OOOH! *flails arms excitedly* It's lesson time! Have you heard of a yoga position called the "tractor"? No one that night had, nor had did they know it was also a sex position. Look it up. It's interesting. Then imagine me demonstrating it. I hope I enlightened all viewers then. I'm also betting that several people will actually try this either while in Rome or not long after they get back. Glad to know I can affect the lives of many. It is knowledge such as this that will be perpetuated to countless millions, all because of me and my perversity. So, back to Thursday night. After getting good and tipsy (or bad and roaring drunk), we all head to a nearby bar. We sit around, talk, nothing big. I have a white russian or two. That was the last thing I remembered until I woke up vomiting in our apartment toilet. YAY! Make that 3 times vomiting after alcohol in my life. However, not only was I vomiting, I was naked and surrounded by my roommates. Oh no, don't stop reading now; this is the good part! (This is all according to my roommates, Matt and Dan) Well, I left the bar before them. They came in and were about to go to sleep when Dan saw me passed out on the floor halfway in the bathroom halfway in the living room fully naked. Man, I know I love my naked time, but geez! And what makes this even funnier, is that there is a step going up into the bathroom, and my head was in the living room, so the lower part of my body was elevated. Isn't that a lovely picture? They woke me up, I vomited, I drank some water, I vomited, I drank some water, then I went to bed. It was one interesting night.

I didn't wake up with a hangover on Friday (WOOHOO for no hangovers -- thanks to the water), but I wasn't exactly in tip-top condition. Thank goodness for no class on Friday, too! So Friday I didn't do much; I just sat in the room, read, chilled out, and did some laundry. Oh my gosh, the laundry takes forever here. It's very energy and water efficient, but it takes almost 2 hours for a full cycle in the washer. I could shorten it about 30 or 45 minutes , but I'm really anal about my personal hygiene and the cleanliness of my clothes, so the washer automatically goes on whatever will get my clothes the cleanest. I didn't mind, though; I didn't want to do too much else that day, anyway. Also, no dryers here. Oh well. My room has clothes strewn all over trying to dry out, but it didn't take nearly as long for them to dry as I expected. It's all gravy. While I was waiting for my clothes to wash, I read several more chapters in The Mayor of Casterbridge by Thomas Hardy. Man, I love him. The plotlines he creates are so absurd that they must be based in truth.

On to Saturday....
This was a good day. I went to the Vatican -- SCH-WEET! Actually, the only thing I saw while I was there was St. Peter's Basilica and the piazza out front. I guess I'll have to see the Sistine Chapel and stuff later. Let me tell you, it was soooooooooooo awesome. Once I found myself in the piazza with Bernini's columnade surrounding it, I almost lost my breath. Wow, wow, and wow. I just stroll on up to the basilica and get in line for the Cupola (i.e. the top of the dome). There were two options: take a lift up most of the way then take 360 more stairs to the top, or take stairs ALL the way up. When given the choice between the easy way and they hard way, most people choose the easy way. I, on the other hand, will almost inevitably choose the hard way. I climbed and climbed, and when I reached the very top, I still beat all the people who were in line around me. They were also more out of breath than I was. I was like "go me!" It's a wonder with all the little passages and stairways up there that a pope hasn't just disappeared. As soon as I walk out onto the ledge at the very top of the Cupola, it was one of the most absolute spectacular views I have ever seen. The entirety of Rome with hills in the city and mountains in the distance mingled with the famous landmarks, all dancing along the banks of the Tiber. I took in the view from all sides of the dome, then I proceeded inside. The inside view was pretty darn good itself. Looking down on the famous altar under which St. Peter is buried, being able to actually touch the gigantic mosaics that line the inside of the dome, it was an amazing experience. I then descended to the floor of St. Peter's. That place is ENORMOUS! I relished over the beautiful marble floors, the wonderful, the graceful Madonnas and crucifixes, and anything and everything else that could grasp my sight. The sculpture was magnificent! Everything was so elaborate and detailed. I walk around staring with mouth wide open at everything, then I enter the Treasury Museum which is right off the main floor. There were some awesome pope relics: rings, robes, a tomb...you know, typical pope stuff. Then I came back out to the main floor, walked around a little more, and almost tripped over the Pieta by Michaelangelo! I seriously almost died (not from tripping, but it's the frickin' Pieta). It was all just so surreal. I left there for home, grabbed a bite to eat, then went to bed.

Sunday
Oooh, this was a good day. Everything in Rome was on sale this weekend (everywhere from 30 to 70% off) because they're getting rid of their old stuff while preparing for the new season's line, so I went shopping -- one of my favorite past times EVER! I went browsing through all of the stores, enamoured over the impeccable taste these Italians have. I swear I could have easily spent all of my money on clothes. Unfortunately, I had to take into consideration my expenses for the rest of the trip. I mean, I just might need food one or two more times over the next 3 or 4 weeks. So I did my usual window shopping. The stores aren't as clearly labeled here, so one never really knows what each one is until he or she is inside. Of course, the shops that I was doing the arm-flail and going my "OOOH!" over are, as it turned out, Armani, Gucci, Dolce & Gabbana, and other stores of the like. I looked around, but I knew I had to limit myself, so I decided to stay away from anything that could be classified as a boutique. It was soooo hard. Anyways, I came home with 2 shirts: one was just a t-shirt and the other was this really cool black button-down shirt with red and gray pinstripes that has velvet floral patterns all over it -- it's soo me! I also got 2 pairs of pants: one really funky pair and one pair of awesome jeans. I was soo excited to figure out my Italian pants size -- 44 or 46. I don't know why, but it was just exciting. After my shopping "not-so-much-spree", I came back, did some laundry, read, and hit the sheets.

Monday (today)
I got up and went to my photography class today. The coolest thing about my classes is that neither one meets in a classroom. We met at Piazza Navona and took some pictures around there. Then we headed over to the Pantheon then Trevi Fountain and did the same things. After that, we finished about an hour and a half early. Total sweetness. And here I am blogging.

I'm sure some more exciting things will happen later, so keep updated with my life right here at Sexually Frustrated Manatees.

If Rome were a woman...

She'd be a fine-ass ho with a big ol' badonkadonk. Oh, and she'd have some cheese in her purse. I mean, who doesn't like cheese? That's just how good she is. Nice butt, just skanky enough, and a little cheese for a treat.

Sorry I haven't blogged in a while, but my reasons will soon be justified. Okay, so my regular posts of rants, raves, and quasi-intelligent (or quasi-stupid, or just plain stupid, or stupendously stupid) thoughts are going to have to take a backseat for the next few weeks so that I may bring to you, my loyal readers, my life here in the Eternal City. If you are offendended by any of this, sorry. But as flowers on a hippy, live and let live, man.

Well, my flight left Wednesday from Atlanta (a week ago). Weird enough, the guy sitting right next to me, Todd, was going to be studying at John Cabot University in Rome, too, so we were both like "far out". We just chill out on the long flight with some of the people around us. It was a good crowd. I order a couple of vodka and Sprites from the flight attendant (she was pretty darn easy on the eyes), and I totally forget that the altitude magnifies the effects of alcohol. Derf. The plane lands in Leonardo Da Vinci airport, and I've got a good buzz going off of only 2 drinks. I should have known that moment would be a foreshadowing of things to come. Todd and I hop in our shuttle (aka the new E-class Benz -- talk about style) which takes us to the university to check in and stuff.

After check-in, they take me to my apartment. It's only like a 5 minute walk from campus. It's really, really close to the Tiber, too. It's also HUGE! Holy cow. Actually, make that a dozen holy cows. That number could easily fit in the apartment. Hmm, maybe one of Giant Kitty's friends is called Holy Cow. Anyway, it's 2 bedrooms, has a big living room, a nice kitchen, and a bathroom that could possibly stand to be a little larger (says the guy who's 5'4"). There are 5 beds total, but only 3 are going to be living there. I've got my own room since I payed for it. Totally awesomeness!!!! Anything near the size even in South Carolina (not to mention similarly priced New York or any other large city) would be like a penthouse owned by someone who definitely needs to donate lots and lots to the Ke-Ke Needs a Quesadilla Fund. I was the first to arrive and later met my apartment-mates, Dan and Matt. Dan's from Boston, and Matt's from Atlanta. Matt actually goes to UGA, so I have a feeling we'll be seeing each other during the school year some. Both are totally groovy fellas.

At the dinner that night (or the next, can't remember) for the new students, I met a bunch of cool cats. A group of us leave and go to someone else's apartment. We start this "drinking" game of reading a "would you?" or "what if?" type questions from a book and going around in a circle telling our answers. Where does the drinking come in? Umm, it wasn't exactly worked into the game, so we just kicked back a few. Then we head over to Campo de' Fiore. The night life here is un-frickin'-real. I'm talking about an "oh my gosh, Becky, look at her camel toe" good time. People don't even START to go out until at the EARLIEST 10. It's sooo great. We're chilling out at the Drunken Ship, which is actually an American bar, watching the football game between Greece and the Czech Republic. It was a great game. So we just hang there and get inebriated then head our back to our respective apartments.

The next night, we hit up this absynth bar. I'm not sure, but I think that absynth is illegal in the US and some other countries. It was definitely an experience. The waitress, who must have gone shoppnig at Mighty Fine'R'Us, poured the absynth over some sugar cube-type thing that was suspended over a glass. Then she lit the sugar thing on fire. I was absolutely entranced by it. I was about to have something illegal and on fire. How bodacious! She let it burn out, then mixed it in the little bit of absynth in the bottom of the glass. It dissolved, then she poured more absynth in it. When she was done, it was neon, glow-in-the-dark condom green. Well, I take a sip and feel like my entire mouth is about to melt. What my dumb ass didn't do was add a lot of water as I was supposed to do. It's supposed to dilute it. Everyone is laughing at me at this point. I would be, too, if I had feeling in my mouth. So I add the water, and I take a sip. It tastes just like black licorice -- YUM! Don't get me wrong, it was still the strongest thing I've ever had. It was all I could do just to sip it (oh, I wasn't the only one with that problem). When we leave, that was the only drink I had at that point, and I'm totally messed up. I'm baffled. I felt like I was drunk outside of my body. After that, we go to a really sketch dance club that I swear they had the heater on (the weather here is very similar to South Carolina in the summer). Plus, everyone was jammed in together. It sucked. I left after 2 minutes with some other people, and we called it a night. I woke up at 4:30 am with the worst headache I ever had. My stomach joined in on the fun by jumping rope with my intestines. Eventually I get back to sleep.

The next couple of nights for me were pretty tame. Saturday I took in some of the sites. First stop, the Pantheon. That was an absolutely incredible building! I didn't realize how huge it was! It was, like the butt at which Becky was looking, soooo big! Also, the grave of Raphael (the painter, not the Ninja Turtle -- that Raphael is still alive, Sarah) was inside. Next up, Trevi Fountain. Molto bella! I swear, these Italians have taste. I threw a coin in, so I guess I'm destined to return -- WOOHOO! Next I went to the large monument to Victor Emanuel II/military history musem. Now that's what I call architecture. If you don't know what this is, look it up. It, too, is absolutely huge! The attention to detail in that building was incredible. After that, the Trajan's Forum and the Roman Forum. I could just feel the past oozing in me.

Sunday, I actually went to the exact same places because I had forgotten my camera on Saturday, so I just went to get pictures. I also went to the Colosseum on Sunday. Let me tell you, I have got to get me one of those in my back yard.

If you'll notice, there isn't a long description about anything. That's because I honestly cannot describe it in words. Study all of this in a textbook, it's one thing. Feel it, sniff it, grope it, it's totally different.

Classes are great here. Nothing demanding. Heck, I'm taking photography and Ancient Rome and its Monuments. How bad can it be?

Well, things are going along great until I get a bug in my pants (figuratively, though literally would be kind of cool, too, depending on the bug) last night to go out. So I coerce Matt and Dan into it. Well, there was this hookah bar that Matt had been wanting to try out, so I'm all over it. In case you, my tasty little reader, is wondering what a hookah bar is, I'll tell you. It's a Middle Eastern-style bar where people sit around and smoke hookah. We sit around and have some roommate bonding time. It's all good. It was soooooo relaxing. I also had a pina colada and a banana daquiri to accent the flavor of our hookah. While in the bar, we finally get in contact with some of the other people, and they join us. Well, Matt also has this invitation to this super-exclusive club down here. Owen Wilson and Bill Murray are frequents of this club. So we get all prettied up and head over just to be turned away because they stop letting guests in at 2 (it was 2:10 at the time). Then, we somehow run into some girls from the US who are headed home in a few days. As it turns out, one of the girls actually knows someone who goes to Clemson. I know the name of her friend, but couldn't pick him out of a crowd if I had to. Well, all of us proceed to a pub. Eventually, people leave, and it's just me and the girls who are going back to the US and some Italian guys. We have a few gin and tonics, I give a few lapdances, and I call it a night.

I walk outside and head over to the Tiber to cross and follow it back to the room. Soon as I cut the corner, BAM! There's the Castel Santangelo (it's the castle that's hooked to the Vatican by a corridor in case the Pope gets in trouble). It was an awesome night for my totally messed up self. The light was just playing off the castle. I swear that it was like looking at a Monet through my eyeballs. That's how the entire walk back was. It was the most trippy thing ever!!!! I'm soooo doing that again.

Once I reach the room, Dan and I sit up having a deep philosophical conversation as drunk/stoned/high people often do. Then I hit the bed, got about an hour of sleep, went to class, and here I am.

As far as events, that's all that has happened so far. The food is the greatest! Olive Garden can suck my big toe for all I care -- this is food. And everyone here is so unbelievably sexy! I seriously want to jump like half the people I see. And is it blasphemous if I find the nuns over here even hotter? I think it's their uniforms. Me likie uniforms. I swear, if I'm not a total slut by the time I get back to the states, someone needs to slap the hell out of me.

The End.

Kitty Litter

Welp, folks, I had an urge to post an entry tonight, but I had no clue about what I would write until just a few seconds ago. I went to get some tea, and there it was -- my cat's litter box. (No, the litter box is not in the kitchen; it's in the bathroom, but I had to pass by the bathroom.) It inspired me. To keep this short and probably not so sweet, I'll give you the fruits of the encounter -- a quote by me.

"Friendship is like kitty litter. The good stuff sticks together when things get wet, messy, and even stinky."

Buona notte!

On the Nature of Man

Humankind has it in his very nature to change, to strive to become something more. It is not something found in our genetic make-up but in our collective psyche. This is what has caused and inspired our species to progress from the predominantly hunting and gathering days of our Cro-Magnon ancestors to our current state of exploring the farthest reaches of our solar system.

What does this have to do with me? Well, I, being a member of the Homo sapiens species (at least until I can prove otherwise), constantly strive for the betterment of myself. Unfortunately, this time I have failed. I have succumbed to the pressure of getting my own blog. 'Tis a sad day, indeed. Damn my frontal lobe for causing me to change and want to be something more! At this point, I think our entire species needs one big, giant lobotomy due to the genius (or geniuses) who came up with the concept of blogging and for the rest of the population who actually take part in this wonder of the electronic age. Dr. Moniz, where are you?!?!

To look on the bright side, maybe my words will profoundly touch someone. I just hope I don't get charged with molestation. The chances of that are probably very slim, though. I will probably be more apt to scare small children and cause bouts of dementia, mania, insomnia, itching, cramping, and diarrhea and may heighten one's risk for syphilis, genital herpes, and glaucoma. Please consult your physician before reading further.